How unhealed emotional wounds disrupt our present-day conversations?

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Here is the scenario…you are at home (or at work) and you are having a seemingly civil conversation with someone. Emotionally you are in a good space and both parties are exchanging words and energy positively. Smiles, laughs and verbal affirmations abound. Things are good.

Then all of a sudden the person you are communicating with shares a phrase, a sentence, a thought…that shifts your mood immediately. What ever was said has a ‘cobweb-like’ feel to it. What ever was said stings like a paper cut. What ever was said has the exact same taste and tone as a time in the past when someone proceeded to hurt, disrespect or abuse you. You have been triggered.

A wound that is unhealed is red, swollen and super-sensitive. Our visceral reaction is to jump, tense up. In fact, this immediate reaction to someone brushing up against a flesh wound is instinctive and automatic. It is not until this same wound has healed…that we can endure our ‘cut’ being touched without reflexive reaction and pain.

So to circle back. The conversation that took a spiral downwards was due to a person hearing words from someone else that took them immediately back to a bad place. A time when they felt belittled. In their head they have kind of stopped listening and are thinking “here we go again…this same drama again?!”. The sharing of ideas that was once rising high into the clouds, has came crashing down to the ground like a punctured hot-air balloon.

Irrational, defensive, anger rush from your heart to your head like molten lava. This is the time when we often jump to conclusions, make inflated assumptions and start to shut things down. Similar to any protective reaction, self preservation takes over and we are in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

It is very important that we know what these personal ‘trigger points’ are. I know mine. Disrespect. Simple. If I feel that someone is talking down to me or seeing me as lesser. My previously wounded ego alerts me to defend myself against a threat I have been damaged by before. If I do not catch myself…my emotions could turn a personal or professional interaction into the very drama scene that I am always trying to avoid.#counterproductive.

The best way for me to heal is to unpack the situations from the past that I feel I was disrespected in. Is my recollection accurate? What was my role in the drama? Is it worth hanging onto this wound? Can I ‘air it out’ and let it heal over? Hindsight is 20/20…so it is much easier than we think to just ‘let it go” with distance from the times we felt hurt.

In closing, there is another teaching in this story. Recognize when you have ‘triggered’ someone else! For real. If you are in a conversation and it takes an immediate turn-for-the-worse. Take note. Rewind quickly to the last thing you said. Can you figure out your role in the mood change? If so, can you show understanding? Can you offer humility? Can you acknowledge that you have purposely or accidentally stuck your finger in their wound?

Recognizing words and thoughts that trigger negative emotional reactions in ourselves (most important) and others may in fact be one of the most important lessons we learn in our adult lives. This is self and societal healing all mixed into one. What a blessing!